Thursday, January 14, 2010

A Boy's Calculated

How do i have to say...

People became insane because of a person. You came to another town, you got crazy about one, and they will make you insane. You would do numerous reckless things, stupid things, or probably inexplicable cheery behave you done.

A Bond, and a love. Love is something that is unexplainable it's a word express you needing someone physically, emotionally, and sexually. For example I care about my house maid, I like to cook some food, and share it with her. I'd care if she got sick or she cried but i don't want her to hug me or give me some sort of attention.

A bond made by two or more people that united by their affinities. Hundred thousand hours they've spent, gallons of tears they shared, hundred billions money they spent.
Dozens picture frame of their grandchildren sons with their family on back of the seat. They both sat there on their personal labelled couch. A strong bond between each other

My friend once came to me, and asked "Why do my girl always make little things become big, and big things can even going bigger?". I can't explain it too but sometimes what you did and you said seemed didn't really matter were hurt them. I could say being together with someone you should have take it slow. Don't too get high tempered on both of you. Someone must've loose it up. This what called "understanding" needed.

I once read a short story about a girl who complains a lot on her boyfriend
"I hate you! Why did you do all this Cliff! You're a total disaster!
If you're a Math you would got minus 10 for coming to school always messy and ugly. Even when you came here you used that stinky hair wax and it looks awfully cheesy! ANOTHER Minus 10! For making me ashamed in front of a lot of people because you brought me with your old motorcycle and the worst part. I go with it every morning UNDERLINE THAT. ANOTHER Minus 10 for giving me flowers. I don't like flowers! It's so old fashioned! ANOTHER Minus 10 because you're not always available when i asked you to accompany me like the last time to Lisa's birthday it was so important for me everyone was expecting me. Then how stupid i was stood there alone for hours! Waiting for you to pick me up after i CALLED YOU TO PICK ME! AND THE LAST THING Minus 100 for always make me cry and didn't hug me because you're too stupid to calm me down! You're minus 100 out of 10 you know that Cliff!"

I cried all the way with hatred along burns in my chest while i heard someone told me that Cliff came. He gave me an amount of flowers. But i threw it back and i said "It's UGLY! You never understand that I DON'T LIKE FLOWERS!" followed by "Oh one more thing. Don't pick me up tomorrow morning!" Cliff look shocked but the minute later the face mimic became neutral. He went home while looked back at me, sad
I feel so bad, but yet i can't bear the hatred. I continued to cry all night.

Next morning at class Cliff gave me an ugly full smile of him then I turn my face to another side while mumbled in hate. I hate Cliff all the way to the core. I'm so happy now Cliff stay away from me most of the time. But well i still got some disturbance till it's going for 3 weeks. Till Cliff showed up in front of my door.
He said that he must been moved to another town with all his family. Started the next day. Because his dad would been transfered for his work. He told me that how big his love to me but i kept quiet. I hate him so much. The next thing i can't forget till now that he said "But I don't know if can i still love you after all these things you done to me" it made me hate him even more. He thought he can threaten me with that?
Well I'm glad he's gone. So i could gone back lay down in my room. I just want to sleep, and end the day immediately.

I started my first class the morning. Glad i didn't see Cliff on the front row. The chair was unoccupied now.
The bell rang oh i missed something. No one heard my stories before it started. The class started as usual. It keep on going as a routine. I daydreamed, i felt hollow. But i chuckled because he isn't there till then the bell rang for the break time. I still sit on my chair. As usual 5th line 2nd row still staring at the empty chair on my north east. I want potato chips! But nobody bought me potato chips on break time just because i like it. Nobody shared me Coke or Strawberry Fanta just because I like the color. No one walks with me to class anymore. Accompany me on break time just hear my stories. Nobody would take me to somewhere new. No motorcycle roars. No flowers i received. My world spun in sudden like I'm in a bad vertigo. I lost in my own dimension.
Each nights afterwards I keep trying to figure out what i've done. Every single night night for a full three months. But then i realize that i lost him. I wasted him. I really miss him now. I regretted for what i did to him. I really... really missed him.
Oh geez why this happened now. When it was all late, so late.

Then I'm remembering my statements that i said before. One by one and I started to cry. Eventually i cried even harder. Groan like crazy. Then while crying i tried to say
"Minus 10 for using that wax and looked cheesy but PLUS 100 for trying to look good in front of me at anytime! Minus 10 for making me ashamed with your old motorcycle but PLUS 100 you used your motorcycle to pick me up every morning before the school starts while it takes an hour and a half to get here. Minus 10 for giving me flowers but PLUS 100! You saved your lunch money just for brought me flowers which presumably you bring every week and those potato chips, Cokes, or even movie tickets. Minus 10 because you always make me cry and didn't hug me but PLUS 100 you listen. Minus 10 for not being able to go to the birthday party on the other day but PLUS 100 because you always be able to accompany me when I'm in the mood to go out. Almost everyday" .
The tears still streams hard but that doesn't make everything come back.
This tears would not change anything.
A word "Sorry" would be the silliest thing he would heard on these times.
He must been wouldn't forgive me.
Ask him an apology is just late... Too late
I hate myself for doing all of these things. Now most of my body parts were numb because i just had attempted a suicide.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

An Offer of Comfort

I read an article about smoking habit about a month ago. It told us about what the worth of a cigarette for a smoker. The article was too long yet boring but i hope i got something make sense there. But i did found something interesting that said "No one ever grown up so we need cigarettes the same as when we need suck our thumb when we're still little". Well it makes sense, and I'm glad to see that word.

First of all people gets old they really do. Physically, wrinkles, rubbery skin, shaky voice, Mind, and behave. How old they become 50 years 75? 80? Hundred years? We still saw them cried.
Crying is a natural act. A relieve for people when they can't bear like how sad they are. How pissed. How fed up. How great their lost. How the way they've been survived. How touched they look at poor people or how happy they are they might be cried. Everyone will come back to their childhood when they felt an enormous disturbing feeling.

A 52 years old comic collector, a 25 years old candy addict, a 32 years old hardcore gamer. Robotic and technology is just a few example of developed toys". It suited for their ages. How smart people can be, how clever they are measured by degrees, and education title, how mature they become a constant law: Less dynamic they will become. No Matter how old we are, we still have childish side of us. "Sometimes the key of being success is just keep childish" - Paul Arden

Sometimes i heard people telling positive thoughts. Telling that they are strong insisting that they are sad. But it was contrasted by the sincere feeling. Sometimes it's just corroding, grind, pound, slice, painful. But what can we do? Angry? To whom? People pray. Like
"The Secret" book which recently overheard telling us that the power of mind really affect life. So keep it positive. In the end, when we can't cope it, we innocently said "God, please help me, i need a shelter, a place to seek for comfort"

A dotties for a baby, an offer of comfort, an endless open field, an alternative way to run, a bad day, a big failure, lottery lost, withered dog, bad score for today math paper, unbearable nervousness, deadlines, farewells, goodbye waves, great lost, a big playground, a christmas present, dying mom, a shock after an accident,terrible mistake we done
Sometimes we just need a hug
Oh i saw my auntie hugs a polar bear doll just now :)

Thursday, January 7, 2010

あの。。。キッスして

“ I feel bare when your hand is not in mine,

I felt lost when I seek for your hand and can’t catch it”