I'm The Tumor, The People I Love Is The Body

"You remember Steve?" 

"Which Steve" 

"Steve James from Houston" 

"Oh yes, the nice hair one" 

"Yassss. Well bad news i just found out he passed away" 

"omg I'm sorry to hear that. From what?" 

"Suicide. I'm still in shock"

It happens. 
Like a seed that been planted it grows for a while, and became a tree. Big tree at one day grows bigger veiling us from the sunshine. The days became darker and the night become the darkest. So strong it rooted deeply into the deepest mind soil.
At some point, you decided to cut down the tree and you feel the sun ray on your face it become the happiest time of your life. You found someone new, someone you love, and new circle to talk to but there's that emptiness that always been there.
It's like a shadow that weights you down after a loudest laughter. Several drinks with friends on the weekends did lessen the weight.
I guess it is the root. 
The root that been abandoned for a long time and it grows again and popped into the surface.
It made sense if you see everything in your life was so tangled and weigh you down. It's like a way when you say enough for one time and think "What if I'm gone?" it all made sense. The trouble that have to cross you or you crossed means nothing anymore. No more sadness no more stress. No cancer that can gets you or ugly cardiovascular diseases. No more emptiness that you can't cover up.
It made sense if you seems doesn't matter. No one reminds you that you matter all you do is you remind people that they matter to them but they don't take it seriously.
It's the tree root that fed from the happy thoughts and turn it back to deeply saddened mind. People think it stops us from getting the real happiness but what is a real happiness though?
Why does everyone thinks getting married and have a children is a real happiness? Why does that have to be an example of a real happiness? Are all the happiness in the world is real when you do those things that is the major epitome of happiness?
That is where we stop it before it makes people happy, and we end it up there. It makes people sad. They thought they had it for forever but no it went that way and disappear. We rather end it all before it is unwittingly happier. We shut up before it is the loudest. We turn off the light when it is the dimmest, we quit when it is the most boring.

It feels like a tumor that grows on your ear you could cut that off and live your life like nothing has happened or life your life with that burden.
See?
I'm the tumor and the people i love is the person.

dotan saguy is following me he is one of the photographers around

There is always something better than you own now. There is always someone better than that someone you met on that perfect day when the sun shine brightest and the night is cherished by the stars and the moon. There will be always something better than you thought sits on top of the mountain of your feelings the best of the best from what you think is the best.

I was those who do not know about the concept of marriage. I don't know what is the point of sharing your life with someone and then you end up losing your freedom, no more money for hobby, no more hanging out with your friends, no more traveling solo, no more sipping coffee alone in a random coffee shop, and it will be more disastrous when there is money involved. What is the fucking point of marrying someone that kept you as prisoner for the rest of your life. You are less free. Less free from doing anything you want. You will lose everything you know that was fun. It took away your whole life. You stop. You stop finding yourself, stop chasing your dreams, throw away your dream to a music career, stop building a custom lightsaber, and dresses more formal. You just simply lose your true self. I mean fuck! Nobody wants to be on that stage of life. I wanted to be happy and chase those dreams of mine and that means more happiness in me.

but then something happens

There will be a time when you met someone, it might be the one you less expected or you might expect it and believe. You might have been waiting for her for the rest of your life. There will be a time when you talk to her, you will be dazzled by the inexplicable frequency of jokes that you make, the sounds you screamed, and the gestures that you did. It all magically understood by someone. It was surreal and at the same time comforting to met someone that knows you more than the eye. They understand you as if directly to your soul. You know when you see her. You admire her. You love her smile, you love her hair style, you love her big eyes. Those red blush that she made on her cheek, and that hair bun that she put on. The sound of her voice is the sounds that made you happy and excited inside. Then all you wanted to do is just to keep her smile. You want her to be happy and you want to make sure of that. You want to make sure she is treated right, she is healthy, she's in the best condition that she should've deserve. Yes you want to make sure of that. You want to make sure she gets all the best things in the world.

Then you came to a realisation. It came like a lightning strike and you would think that she is "the one" but is she feel the same way. Then you asked and found out that she felt the same way like you do. It was an unexplainable feeling. It makes you act like a fool. Yes you are a fool now. You know when you look at her it was that smile that you want to look forever. It was those laughter that you want to decorate your life with. There is someone who can push you going after your dream, and make you the best version of yourself.

It's such a good feeling to love or to be loved. Such a great feeling to be able to do that.
And I'm grateful about it everyday on my life.

I was lost and now i am found

Hey there,

It started when i was so lost. I wanted to get along fine with myself more i quit my job, do something else entirely different and let go of the things that been holding me down including something or someone. It started with letting go of the things that makes me comfortable. Getting constant money from it and doesn't do something else than working. Well yeah it was weird for me you work all your life and spent the hard work later on when you are 60, what are you going to do when you are 60 with that plenty of money and where were you as long as 22 - 59? So that was when i decided to say fuck it and let go the most important thing to keep on surviving and that is money source. I said i quit on that particular afternoon in a coffee shop and at the same time indirectly said to the boring routine, stress, peer pressure, and office politics. It was a brief moment of silence. I was in shock, and my boss too. He sat there like about to open his mouth to make things straight with that look that signaling that he knows that this isn't personal but he can't insist me to stay either and then he gave me a week off before the designated date and i kept being paid for the rest of the month.

Second thing i did was letting go of the people that been slowing me down. Holding me down from the things that i want the most and instead they are driving me towards fulfilling theirs I'm not going to tell you that was easy but it should give you more peace of mind and the most important part is, you get to do what you love without someone telling you not to do it. I think this is important because you need positivity, and you should surround yourself with those who are positive as well. In that way you are going towards the best things in your life.I got to tell you that this is the best things in YOUR life because all the best things in life is relative to the individual. 

The third thing i did was doing the thing that I've been wanting to do and i wished i had time to do it. Yes now, i got time and money in my hands so i decided to do what i wanted to do and put money aside for a while. So i decided to take a Barista Certificate. Which is truth to be told totally different from the things i used to do. I learned new things, i was treated like how house maid been treated on, and that was a new kind of experience that let in in my life.

The philosophy behind it is like i used to swam against the current and resisting hard the where it takes me to, but now I'm doing the opposite. Instead of I'm doing what "it should have because that is what used to happen down here" into "oh ok great! Let's see what life brings into me after this" kind of behavior.

Let me tell you the things that I've been doing this last 6 months. I'm living on 1/10th cost of my usual monthly cost it's not beacause I'm being hard on myself or i starve to death to save those money. But i think it is enough to keep me live a healthy life and keep paying those cups of coffee that I've been spending to keep myself awake through those deadline catching nights. And also movie tickets for date night! Wait... Oh yes that, i met the one when i was doing what i always wanted to do. She's funny, she made me laugh, she's beautiful, and made me having this somekind of weird amnesia that there is always been a better looking woman out there but no, i want this woman. This woman is the kind of woman that you met and you knew and sure that everything is going to be alright with her. And you don't want anyone messes around with her so what i did, i told her that she is the one after a week of dating, and propose her the next month. Ain't you surprised on what live takes you to the things that you always wanted to be?

I'm doing design business which is what i always wanted to do too!

Now I'm living my dream. I always wanted to be like this. If my 17 years old see me where i am going to be in 10 years, he would be shocked in disbelieve. But remember it's not because you are not fortunate enough to chase something. But i think you should do what you love where you can't stop doing it and work your way up through there to the with a commitment to say yes to where the life brings you to, keep it true to your heart don't ever hear the logical thinking of yours. If you think too much about it and making excuses about  why you are going to do it, you "might" be in the wrong decision. The route that your heart choses might be not the best logical way to solve the solution but once you follow it, you will be so happy because yoi are doing what you want not what you need to do.

See, i was lost but now I'm found.

The therapist and the man laying down. She made him confess about a lot of things.

When you lose your grasp on your possession, you lose your reality.

And when you lose your reality, you become crazy.

Some people is not acting like you wanted to and you can't control it. Listen to me carefully they were there not going to hurt your feeling. They were there just because they are. God created them just for a sign that you are not going to act that way. They were an example of good or bad or ugly. An example of what you could have been if you lose yourself and not turn yourself into positive thoughts.

Gettin' It Werk

Moving forward so fast that you forget to take a break and enjoy the view.
The air breeze on my cheek, caressing, loving sun ray bathe my skin, and the roar of the beastly machine.
There were some times that i forget if this real life or am i hallucinating.
The sign of living is just simply breathing
and breathing is the only thing you need to live
to be alive
life is simply about being alive and you make a big fuss about it.
Wind noise, motorcycle passing down the street, that throttle i pushed down to the limit is the sign that i am alive.

human are organic, machine is the beast.
human create the machine
then who is the evil

Polaroid Monochrome film 600 and the front gate

Those flames

Old fire

Ignites

Rapidly

That it spreads like a wild fire 

Hound Dog fights in the corner of the road and i was standing right in the middle

It's so wonderful to know that there is a single person acts, thinks, talk, throwing jokes exactly like you do

They responds to things just like how you want they to

They react and loves you just as much as you do to them

How amazing if that someone is happened to be the one person that you want them to look like

It feels unreal

It feels right

It is unbelieveable

48

It's been a day that i havent got any sleep. The last second ticks just about time, like it aways do, like it suppose to.

It's been too many movies i watched and too many politics going on the movies. 

Then i got out of my room and go to the kitchen to fry and egg. 

The news is on about a nuclear war. I just can't tell which one is true or which one is not. Is it a fact or a fiction?

Should we live on fear

Or we fight against it

Speaking of fear there is a first on everything. You fear of getting to know that cute girl on the corner and you can just conquer you fear and say hi and go talk to her. The first time won't be easy you sweat you trembled but you will get used to it when you make it like it's not a big deal. Life is about learning and you should widen your comfort zone.

And the ultimate question in life is do you want to leave a mark, a dent in this earth like an elephant with his tusk, a tiger with their skin? If you are agree with that you need to make your own tusk. The tusk that is so beautiful and it will be a legacy. Every person is amazed by it and that's how it goes because you don't have a tusk, you need to think what tusk that is worth leaving to the next generation. I think that is the ultimate answer to the purpose of life.

The Art of Peace In A Yellow Cover

"The smell of roasted beans, and artificial daylight
a sip of a coffee and a puffy eyes
finger on the aluminium keyboard and mind on the universe

What would i eat for lunch today?
Why am i sleepy?
Why do i have to stuck and sit here till the end of the day?"

Work

Why do we work? A simple question to the sophisticated universe system. 
Why do people work? What's the ultimate goal? 
Is it a new kind of devotion that been keeping people sane
That keeps the world going like it used to
is it a system that keeps the engine rolling and makes everything in the world to function like it has to.
or is it a system that naturally started by humans to evolve, survive, or simply to be a better human being.

But what makes us keep working?
Comfort? 
a strive for perfection? 
Acknowledgment?
money?
Most of the people proud of working in some certain company because of it's name
but why?

Or is it because it looks like you are guaranteed on your welfare, people look up to you and think that you get plenty of money.

The ultimate goal of happy living is you are well fed.
I had that conversation with my old man some time in the past. My whole life was about my parents. I wanted to make them happy, i got into the major that my dad wanted me to be and he found out that i've been doing this for them. He told me that i don't need to do that.
Why? Because the measurement of happy for them is that I've got no difficulties to keep on going with life. I didn't get difficulties on getting the needs for my life 
"In the end of the day, you are the one that is going to live your life. So I've been worrying how would you carry on when I'm gone".

So as long as you can live, you are fine. You get money, you get rich is the privilege of doing a good job on your work.
But the meaning of working is still a mystery. But i know, the moment we stop ourselves from going to work is the time when a part of the world's spur gear fell and need to be put immediately back again.
It's a system that keeps all the money going all over the world. The business keeps going, the boxes being delivered, the crops are being processed, and you got to get your ingredients for your dinner this evening.

Stumbling Upon Old Posts

I was browsing through my old social media posts and i found mysef a lot of laughter. 

I don't remember i was that sarcastic with a twist of satire humor. 

There was a lot of laughter browsing through random self monologue and punny joke. 

I don't care when people doesn't understand what the joke is. But i love posting random things.

I think it's a process where i can be reminded of who i am and what i was. 

It's not a backward process but i think it's an important thing to keep reminding yourself of who you are and not lost in the digital realm of growing up. It gets into your real life and makes you a real bitter individual when the part of you that had been accepting the grown up you.

It gets really bitter when you hold on to the value of works and interaction between you coworker that you've been holding up high turned downhill and these people told you "it's just the way it is used to" and your standard degraded.

It feels like you are convincing people that you are not lying when people say that you are a liar. Nobody believes you since they accused you and they don't want to listen to you. Yes, bad system destroys good people. And your system is chaotic. You never be on top.

Aruba Cannon Ball

Life just went downhill from here 

And from now on it is not going to get better

Yet...

Grown Ups

Day 9201,

I realize life not just like or dislike someone or things.

Being nice or not to people,

or acting nice.

Being happy is just being around your family 

or just playing video games with your siblings.

I realize there is evil.

Something or someone that shows you that terror is apparent 

and it was real.

I realize hating the past and getting upset about what the things you should have done or the things that you shouldn't makes no point.

It's just inevitable.

You realize that bad people did bad things to you and all you can do is just... Preventing it to happen.

Sucks it is

Stiff Neck Has Led Him Into a Worser Transformation. We Need to Stop Him From Killing People.

I fisted my wall over and over. 

It hurts

It hurts so much that it bled a little on some knuckles.

It's the sign that I'm alive.

Alive and well.

It's been a little too much imagination.

I don't know which are real which are fiction.

It's been a terrifying moment in my life. But yet, I've never been so much better.

It's been a bad hangover

and i want to fully wake up.

It's been a chaotic occurrence

and it's time to wake up. 

Relevancy Goes Through our Veins While Everyone's Heading to That U.F.O. Unbelievable

Things corrodes inside my body slowly destroys it into matter.

Crashes into smaller particles, explodes, vanishes.

Things, stirs emotion. 

Touching the very deep part of the emotion itself.

Twisted.

Things, has going on inside. While it was okay, i keep wanting more than this.

More than this. There is a place where i can feel life is more alive where life is less lifeless where my eyes to be more alert to everything that revolves around.

Life is where we make money, get a lot of it, and take the rest of our life to spend it off. What's the point of making a lot of it and spend it later. It's like you binge eat in the morning and decide don't take anything until the moment you close your eyes. 

So where are we going when we are working? 

What are we trying to achieve?

What is the ultimate goal?

The recognition of the yourself is the ego.

Recognition, like an elephant with their tusk, tigers with their pattern.

The recognition of the hard work is.

When we give something to our work, that's when we get something from the art itself.

The art of indirect interaction.

Action - reaction.

Random Blabber

Yet another obstacle occurred. Sometimes when people took me half hearted, i prove them wrong.

I'm stuck in the middle between work and hobby. I don't think hobby and work does not get along fine. It should be somewhere we found it collides in harmony. Where we admire the joy of doing something we love and people appreciate.

Does it something unreachable so it's so hard to get into it? 

At most point of my life i don't want to do anything beside playing drums. I love to play drums. It made me forget about all things. It made me feel good. Feel that i was alive and well. A feeling that you can not exchange with something. I don't care if it hurts my fingers because i can put any bandage on my finger and keep playing. I love the feeling of hitting the drum and gets a sound, vibration feedback from it. I don't want to do anything beside drumming.

But the problem is everyone thinks it's a hobby. Can i just make it a business where i can keep on playing drums and people appreciate it?

Or make a band and trying to meet several people to do it.

I'm in the process to find the perfect people to do music. 

Or. Only if only i could. I should do it by myself!

Man that's the greatest idea alive!

Man i gotta work on something!

Royal Rumbles

Cherish and laughter in a distance slowly fades
An inevitable collision between desire and require

Kno wut, you guys shoudn't like hoping about something to always be in some way. I mean your parents doesn't live a thousand years and those love songs that you've been dropping tears on wouldnt get you anywhere in your life.

No! Feelings doesn't rot your heart out it doesn't have that itch in your chest while you love someone. It doesn't make your tummy hurl and butterflies got frenzy in it. Yeah, it's all a lie that you've been wanting to hear , watch, and see on the television.

The fuck people i know they complicate things like that shit on their face wouldnt shut the fuck up. Like i mean come on this life is complicated enough don't complicate shit like every fuckin time you open that shit on your shitty face. Yea nigga just wouldn' shut the fuck up.

I've been through some shits and let me tell you this "YES LIFE IS NOT FAIR SO FUCKIN' DEAL WITH EVERY FUCK IN IT" yeah it feels great to get my rage on this fuckin literary on whe web. I mean like get your shit together, work yourself on that and be a better person rather than whining that you have got that negativity mindset in your mind and even you're born with negativity. Shit just got real eh?

Grudge? No it isn't healthy. So fuck it! I mean like if you want to smoke weed your whole life then smoke it! Fuck everything that doesn't allow you to. You want to play game your whole life? Some company pays you to. Get on with it dipshit.

Happiness, glittery eyes, and that smile.

Things are different now
It's not that glittery eyes has made me fall 
It's the reason beyond. The ego

The happiness within the self pre/post interactivity between a living matter, an action, and the self.

Happiness is not a destination. Rather than a shift of the mind  that you suffer.

Son of a bitch

Trouble Sleeping. That's Like My Middle Name

I learned a lot for being positive by any means.
It means to keep smiling, to keep feeling alright.
Even the slightest sadness doesn't need to be present.

I learned a lot that a happiness came in a shape that i don't even expect. It came in any shape that so beautiful even that i want to protect it no matter what happens.

I learned that there's no need to be exaggerating little things for it become a big obstacle. It makes me and the people around me feels bad. It puts people into hard position.

I learned that i don't need to take everything seriously. I just need to follow my heart, my dreams, and my will to do the things i want and it will be so much better when you met someone that really appreciate your goals, support you no matter how bad it is or how impossible it is.

I learned that i need to stand on my ground and trust the people that can be trusted. If you found someone that can be trusted, never lose faith on them. If someone lets you down one time, there will be the thousandth time.

I learned that the more i live my life, the less i wrote about this blog. I keep this blog as a journal. I was sad every time i wrote a post in this blog. But i don't feel that sad more often. I do want people out there that doesn't even interact with me read this journal and felt the change of the way they are thinking. I want to know that. And i know that i can't stop writing when i do it.

I don't know where to stop. So i always end it like this.
:)

The Smell of Coffee and Breakfast

We're scared in some transitions in life
I can't sleep and i lit up my cigars
This is the last time i ever touched the cigars
Since i came back again when i started working
But, this day is the last time i ever work in that office

I will miss my surroundings, the people around, and the routine
At least good bye for now.

I'm sad so sad that i don't want to sleep and going on to the next day
I don't want to leave that office
I don't even want to walk away
But, i need to keep on going with life.

I keep being an ass on my last few days in that office
I don't want to stare their faces
I hate them instantly
But, they have become a part of my life.

I will be feeling this way until sometime in the future
And keep going on with my life
I let the wound bleed and dries when the air let it dries naturally
Rather than put a bandaid and see the scar for the rest of my life.

I thank them for being a part of my life,
And thank them for letting me to be a part of their life
At least, farewell for now.

Good bye

You Are That Special

There's nothing frightening about when you met people and you learned to get acquainted  to them,
get used to their behavior, get to know them better.
Theres nothing frightening knowing that they can leave you someday, sometime, some way.
They took those memories from you, those moments from you, a part of your life away.
It's not frightening if that happens.

You get those memories, love, and affection that you deserve,
And no one can understand those as you do.
You are that special for being loved by someone and you are special to love someone.
Even if that they someday leave you, it's just that... You both are just not meant to be
Not because it is not destined to be.
But it is the series of your behavior and choices within life.
It's your call, your decision.
You need to know that once you met someone in your life you've got to be prepared for when they leave you.
Never be afraid when you love someone, or someone loves you back.
You are that special.