Saturday, December 31, 2011

a Kiss a Hug... But what does it mean?

New year's not as i expected but it went smoothly without conflicts
i see this year's celebration as something flat
i hope i was somewhere far... Somewhere... Anywhere but here
but i didn't go there not even trying to

i was hoping a lot for today...
Yet i hope nothing more than this

I know that all of this will be happen

I want to be with you

I am tired...

Please just be mine

I heard 'I Would Do Anything for You' on my way home

"Oo la love, I’ve fallen in love, and it’s better this time than ever before Oo la love, I’ve fallen in love, and it’s better this time than I’ve ever known"

I guess it's the best song for that moment until i realize i was in a chaos of the living things and routine
I was in bed crying
and realize how pathetic it is longing someone to care about me
i realize this is the most pathetic feeling

But i believe sometimes when you bleed you don't need to put a bandage on it immediately. Sometimes you need to let it bleed and dry itself 

Video of New Year Fireworks Around My aunt's apartement

Sunday, December 18, 2011


I want to cry. But what i did was crying inside. It hurts

Monday, December 5, 2011


I've been wanting this type of specs since it looks like Steve Jobs but i completely blew the purpose of being myself does it? Or it doesn't?

I've been wanting a new specs, since the measurements has changed i think. It gone higher since all those writing on the whiteboard had been blurred.

But i also want thick eyeglasses since it makes me looked more whatever.
What do you think?

Ma Belle Amie

I miss us!
There's no more us'
since there's just YOU and I

Faggy Suit!

you out there i still have this butterflies on my tummies when i see you
i have this feeling that have been screaming when i talk to you.
Every single time

Since it was some time i gave a hint
and afraid it would completely blew off the friendliness between us
maybe all these sounds faggy to you
i can't do anything about this

It hurts
But if this a wound i'll let it bleed and dried by the air
i wan't to say that i care about you and i love you but
not in a romantic way

in a friendly way.
If you read this.
and you get a hint

I love you as my friend

Clouds, And Everything In Between

Hello this is an open letter to you out there and you know to whom this is referring to
i know you're sad and upset but it's not always me to blame
see the answer within yourself what made me be in this way
and what made you feel uncomfortable when I'm in this state.

I know you hate me, convince me all you can that you feeling another way
i knew this day will come and i knew you will disagree to all the things i said.

I hate you for being completely rude, impolite and never show some respect without you knowing it completely.
You hated me for left you like that
and to love someone forever is the biggest lie.
and I'm not making you hate me more
but I'm sick of being the person i shouldn't be
Happy living your life
I'm happy living mine

I've Been Missing to Play Drums

This should be the most usual state for myself to make a post. I just feel like to but I'm also stucked in this little chaos in my head that destroys and obscuring for what i should do and not.

This should be the most uncomfortable moment and yet the fastest time slipping moment of my days. I heard songs and they felt like an ingredients to myself. It's the concrete of a building, and sands to shores.

I'm hearing Tame Impala's Why Won't You Make Up Your Mind. I feel lonely. So lonely while i know there's two of my siblings beside me, one shared room with me and the other one suddenly came in and asked for my Tempur since he got bitten by fleas from his matt.

I hate my sofa bed it's hard. But it's my throne to be on the sofa bed since it fits just to one person and It's only me.

I'm hearing to Tame Impala since it reminds me of that time. Of that concerts. It was my closest encounter to you. It absolutely the most craziest time of my adolescent years. I don't quite frankly think it's adolescent to be exact it might refers to "Young Adult" as it stated to recently closed Wiki page.

I know listening to Tame Impala have been making me in this type of confusion, drunkenness, and blue. But It's okay baby i like it this way.

Being the most honest people to myself is the most biggest achievements that i could accomplish to myself. I felt weightless and problem less as i usually avoid conflicts in my daily life but looking for conflicts and keep reminding me to make one in every single possible way is the best thing that ever happened to me in years of my life.

Being truly honest of what i really want to and what I'm feeling has been helping me going through hard times. In instance when i thought i really like chemist in fact i drool a lot on chemist is the biggest lie to myself. Being able to accept yourself knowing it's abilities and disabilities is the best thing that you can do. Since every individual are created in their own way. If you can't understand one thing, why do you have to be so shy if other people think you're stupid? You're not stupid when you're asking. But it's worse when you don't know and you're keeping it to yourself.

Keep making mistakes ;)

Friday, November 4, 2011

'I Wake Up Every Day Stare At The Mirror And Ask Myself If This Is The Last Day I Live Would I Do This?'

This started by a video that i watched after the death of Steve Jobs the CEO of Apple Computers
It's about 3 things that he passed in his life. The video itself made a long time ago when Steve Jobs is on his best health. The message for me was simply interpreted to live the life the way i like it to, the way i wan't it to be. Don't ever let people say what i did was wrong and always have a faith to what I'm doing. Believe that it will be useful someday even things that i usually ignore.

The problem is I always afraid of doing things wrongly just because when i did, I'm afraid people would think that i am not as brainy as they do. Which i believe caused a slowly decreasing self development.

I bought a comic somewhere that stated a genius wouldn't stop after a little struck of lightning. Like when someone push a button and got struct by electricity and they would avoid the button since it hurts. Genius think otherwise when they pressed the button they are eager what caused the electricity struct.

comfort kept us in a secure castle
like a king felt secured by thousands of his soldier
I feared that I'm not being the person that people wants me to be but I feared more that I'm not being someone that i should become.

I started to do things wrongly, not really care about people opinion about myself as long i think I'm doing the right thing for myself. Keep doing things like i want to without avoiding the consequences. Doing things out of my comfort zone where the things are out of my control like i always did. Controlling every aspect of my life, i wanted it perfect i want all the things i have was maintained steady. But i found void when i was at that state, it felt the city were too small for me. No more new places to go, and nothing more i could do to simply pleased myself.

I am pretty pleased for these past weeks that i've been passed for doing the wrong things. I didn't do my homework according to my friends works. I did it according to me and if i did messed up, i could learn gradually from that. I keep reminding myself at anytime any places any thing i should decide. Always follow my heart to whatever i think i should do, or chose.

Doing things wrongly but doing it the right way doesn't count as doing it. Giving you the best thing at the current time for you is the sign of insecurities.

This morning i did something wrong. I was at the gym and there's a cute yoga teacher was teaching her class. I really want to open the door and shout "I love you!" but no! I didn't wish i was. I did it! She came to the door and did the 'zip it' gesture. I know in some people's opinion, i shouldn't do that but hey a little lightning struct wouldn't hurt you! ;)

Don't let shame take over your personal development as one person.

Here's the video. It might change your mind also

Sunday, October 30, 2011


image courtesy of Shida Aruya -
I went out for a touch of fun...
some money to burn...
and a band to be heard...

It was Tame Impala playing that night. I don't know what am i doing but i was there. I acquainted all of the songs for just 2 days and memorize all of the melodies lyrics naturally. It was 3 days before the show i told my friend that i got crack if she wanted some. She told me that she'll have something that she called acid. I don't know what kind of acid or how bad it would knock you
down so i said
"Give me some"
she said "Alright i'll give you some".

I went there alone with the best outfit i could put on that night it looks magnificent in my eyes although it just a plain white tshirt, and jeans. I put on my sailor hat that i recently bought from eBay that looks perfect in collaboration with the mustache i grown for quite a while. I looked like a real sailor only without pipe and boat.

I got there 2 hours earlier before the band started playing. I drove my car there and all clean, parked my car at the nearest place, and walked to in front of the gate. I talked with the ticket scalper about things that i should put attention in life and essential things on looking for a girl. It was where the weirdness started since the conversation going to what girls would do for you if you look in certain way and a lot of things that quite strange for a light conversation. Then i spot my friend i called her name several times and she was looking at me but her friend thought that she was hallucinating so i met her again at the same place another minutes difference. I started the conversation called her name and she said
"Hey i bring along the weeds with me"
'Really? I'm already high though.. haha save it"
"What is that? Gimme one!"
"I'll give you later haha!"

Then we were separated and all but i met her in the gig, it was a club but with a big stage on the front. The surroundings was unimportant and what's on my mind was her, and the drug. I met her again in the crowd in a half shouting
"Where's mine!"
"Shhhhh....!" *look around "Alrite follow me"
i followed her upon the toilet door and she came back with a guy and laughed about something. And she said
and we were back in the crowd again with her friends. She pulled the palm of my hand like about to read my palm, but she point something in the middle of my palm and said
"Here put this in your tongue until it disappear.."
"I mean until it dissolves"
"I can't see anything"
"it's a paper"
"I can't see it"
*she took something from my palm and said
"Say aah!"
She put a paper in my mouth and it tasted like paper. Nothing happened but i kept the paper in the middle of my tongue.
The first band playing was chk chk chk (!!!) the music thumping like it's louder than before, all the things in the building rattled as the band started. It felt gradually good. Until i danced myself a little bit. Damn it's good...

Chk Chk Chk was off and my body rattled as i calm myself. I smiled, and i got to laugh since it tickles from the inside but i didn't need to laugh it felt like the longest wait in my life until Tame Impala came out. I introduce myself to my surroundings, i was in a bunch of cool people in a flash. Like we know each other from a long time ago but not really long time. I know you just now but i have a strong bond between you and me and all the people around me. It was ages until Tame Impala came out.

The guitarist played the chord, band started playing. Boom! Everyone shouted and had fun. I've never heard such a beautiful sounds like this in my life. It was beyond something your sensory receive as so called sounds. All the lights came out like gigantic eagle wings flapped, sway like it gave you a breeze of something wonderful. Everything was beyond normal and a shift of happiness into another shape of peaceful state of mind. My body wasn't stop moving like it should have been like that before. I don't care about tomorrow and the moment before and after this present time. I just know bunch of people and we own the place.

I turn my head right, i saw my friend's friend, i turn my head back i saw my friend and i wave, she wave back. It was an ocean of sounds. But the room was strong enough to handle it. Song after song, i don't care it kept changing but well everyone under the influence of dope own the place. I don't need to sing i don't want to put another note to this never ending sounds and guitar screech.
It was fun i met bunch of old friends, i felt wiser and in control for a while, and i tried myself to control the drug effect i succeed but the music was really hard to resist. I can't stop smiling. I am in the peak of peaceful mind. Until the band talk about stuff i don't really care since i want the wonderful music keep playing.

1 hours felt like it was nothing like an hour. Time distorted, vision twisted, and music was the only thing that you couldn't resist. I drove there but i'm not sure if i can hit home if i'm in this condition. I told my friend that i can't go home she said
"You're driving! Fuck i told you it was a serious thing!"
"I know"
"Serious seriously!"
it was serious but i kept smiling
"I can't get home unless someone drive me home"
"Where your house at?"
"Fuck you!"
I saw her face she was pissed
i said "No no I'm alrite i got friends out there that could drive me home"
"I don't know what to do right now please remind me"
"Just call me or text me if something happens"
"I don't have your number"
she looked pissed one more time. And i gave her my phone i asked her number
"Alrite thankyou! I'll let you know"

But no i went out looking for my friend that wasn't there. And i don't have anywhere else to go that saver than anywhere else. It was MY CAR. I started the engine, and turn the air conditioner on. It was super weird. I breath heavily, and started to drive around. I thought it'll be easy to drive home. But it's not an easy thing. Everything distorted, my vision couldn't stay in one frame and numbness slowly take over my body but magically my car still going in a steady speed. I was so nervous about got pulled over by police, and i could possibly gone to jail. But i kept my car going in a steady speed and breath regularly.

Until i had a thought that i was driving in my imagination and what i saw wasn't real. But i think all of it was realistic. I pulled over several times and binged a lot of air, release it fast. But it didn't help my feet was so numb but still the car kept moved in a steady speed. The closer my home is, the harder it gets for me to drive. Everything still distorted. I passed the road i usually take when i get home until i get to in front of the gate of my home. I saw another car on where i should put my car. It was the difficult thing i should do while i was struggling to drove home. I do it slowly but hard because i can't feel my legs, and so i put succeeded doing it.

I went here and there before i got to my bed, i changed clothes wash my face and lay on my bed breathing heavily. I can't sleep. I could hear the songs and all of the sounds remixed my my head like it was the best remix i had ever heard. I kept worrying about the car that i couldn't parked properly like i used to and i kept looking at my phones. I beg my friend to reply me so i know i'm doing alrite
"Could you reply me so i know i'm okay?"
she replied "Hey ur okay"
i calm myself for a while,
The songs, the thoughts and the fear of the thought of my friend would avoid me was keep going on in my mind and can't stop. I curled in agony for hours. It was horrible and frightening at the same time

I slept for some minutes and awaken several times from 3:00AM to 6:15 AM . Until i finally too tired and had fallen asleep on the morning.

I told the story my sister and she laughed about it. So i think it was something to laugh for
I'm still under the influence of the drug while I'm writing this.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

P.S: Help Me...

College life was frustrating, i do failed in 2 classes. I drooled on a lot of subjects. And i got to beat them all i got to accomplish all of the subjects with good grades. I hope what I'm aiming will got a bullseye.

Have you ever felt alone yet you know you're surrounded by the people you know, the closest people that you loved to be around your spouse or the environment that you familiar with. Like you think you should do something bigger than this but you don't know how to do the leap or the leap was too risky till you can't risk what you have gotten now into a void. Like you know you're in a middle of something that you shouldn't do, like your inner self think that you should GO AWAY! Well I'm in the middle of that feeling. I don't know what was that or what to do but i hope something will help me figure this out. Like i know something big will come. I know i can do something big but haven't figure it out. Yet.

Routine kills creativity. Creativity doesn't need routine
I hope i can figure this out...
P.S: help me

Dim The Lights and You're The Spotlight

I've done a lot of unusual things. I'm no longer as patient as i usually do, i no longer do things in order, i don't make an impression to peoples. I live my live as i am, as i should. I usually tell people not to hear peoples opinion. I actually do care about it and it bugs me but not lately.
I do hear them but i take it as one way opinion "Okay i take that as what you think. But i don't think like your way". Like i get the hint of living. Like people should know me as i am. No persona. No mask hiding. I am me as me.
I don't care what would people think of me, and do people will take me as i am?
I'm more like this is me take me as i am or watch me as i go.
this is weird and new but
i do aware of "what goes around come back around"

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Sure It Was Okay... But You're Being a Bitch

I got a funny story when i was watching Alesana this night. Actually i got a little bit upset since i didn't get anything sort of their stuff like things they threw after the show or during the show but well I've been waiting Alesana since like 6 years ago. Thanks to whoever behind Lian Mipro

I came there by myself and met another 2 people Andin and Radit but we were separated when we entered the venue. The first thing came out was Set Your Goals which i don't really know anything of the super energetic show that they bring. Two songs has passed which sounds very similar from one to another i took several pics of them in case someone likes them i could afford some pics from my Canon Powershot A1200 i just bought it from the last time i went to Singapore. I was looking for a pocket camera and I was holding my blackberry, and i searched "best budget camera" on the Google it directed to and directed to a page which shown rank based the balance between value and feature. I got money for my birthday so why not buying it something that might be useful and something that i always want but not really crucial. Something that we always forget but something we always remember when we do things. Pop i bought it for Sin$155 easy dealio! I like it so much!

Back to the concert Alesana is on the stage i spent 4 first songs at the back of the venue, behind the moshing people. I really wanted to have fun till i put my phone and my beanie on Andin's leather bag. And then i rushed to the moshing pit, then hooked on the front row.
I sang and shout there. Took some pic and videos. Until i realize that Dennis Lee the screamer was about to jump. Sure he jumped off the stage onto the crowd. Unfortunately the crowd isn't really cramped on the place where he directed to. The next thing i know was his hand landed on my nose, and his body landed beside me unstable until he fell on my body because i hug him of course lol that is fuckin hillarious... It's a lie if there's no evident but did you remember what i said? I was about to take a pic when he jump towards me so i accidentally took a pic

Then of course i hold to him like I was holding onto a ship. Until my specs fell off and i should been looking for it. I realease The Screamer, and i got my specs and try to stand up again. I took my camera out of my pocket, aim toward Dennis and the next thing i knew i got this pic

He gave me a thumb! Suuuure! Nooo problem dude! Hahahaha
After all, Alesana was awesome I've been waiting Alesana like ages. I think 6 years or so. They been my favorite band since i know them, i did cover of Alesana songs on full band and I've been listening to them, and my style and everything. Thank You Alesana for coming to Indonesia. I hope we can be good friend :)

Thursday, August 25, 2011

It Won't End Here. But Somewhere Around That Sea

It's been a little while since the last time i wrote in this blog
well... I didn't write this blog as often as i was before
It's been a really long journey I'd been cruising with someone i know really close
i really enjoy the company but it was me that doesn't want co pilot for a moment
that's the short story

The long story started from the day i was tangled with college life, the hectic, and madness. In college life it was different, a whole new thing from a place where we used to go every morning and got nothing from the whole day as we known called "school". Where the pupils are more clever in scribbling table than their book. Where all you can think is going home.
College is a whole different thing, it's all up to you. It's all depend on you. You want good scores? Study hard. If not, never miss class and talk with your friends. It works well for you

I gone to gym lately, i entered the gym as slinky guy, and 3 months later i got bigger and healthier. I got muscles here and there, and i looked better. The reason i hit gym was because when i was highscool i hit 91 KGs and 2 years later i ran around my complex every single morning and in a strict diet. Which is wrong. I reduce my intake so obviously i thought it'll totally drain my weight a lot. And it did! The good news. But in the bad news when i was reducing my intake, i got less energy for my body to carry on the day. I got this situation where you feel not strong enough and you would easily faint yourself. It wasn't good I'm telling you. I have no clue why people reduce their intake, and they purge it all where do they get the energies? How could they think? Where's the nutrition? How their hormones work?
I really don't get it

And i wasn't in a relationship anymore it's not that i found someone new as listed in my Facebook i was in a relationship with Rossie Huntington-Whiteley. But things were different, i want nothing to consider when i was studying, i want nothing to consider when i was having fun or let my thoughts flew. I want my own space for no apparent reason. I want all the feeling i used to feel, the thoughts i used to think, and i want my personal space expanded throughout the globe. I want it selfishly. But it was at first when it all happen i thought it was just me that feeling that way. But my significant other told me the same thing. That she would do the same thing to this relationship. The difference was just timing. I did it sooner

This is briefly the longest ever I've been in a relationship. I don't think i could do the same thing like this twice. I might be fooling around, with some girls, have fun, and enjoy the every bit of my youth. I believe this time wont come back. So i lived my life to whatever state i entered. I took it to the level where people don't enjoy them as much as i do. I appreciate little things, I put attention to details, and i met new peoples. I smile very often. This break up wasn't easy. But i know i will gone through it

I believe the people around me, i met, i love, i care about, i know, i didn't were the people who make my personality this way. Those are the people who make me a person. The people that make me Marco Adriaansz as Marco Adriaansz itself

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Try Me and You'll Know Who's Better At Stalking Each Other

I got my friend on my side for a walk
instead of taking her to nice dinner, i took her to the art exhibition
at first she told me that she is eager what to see there
but i know it's not her thing to see this kind of show

i notice her slight face changes
and she started to complain how bad this painting, and how weird that sculpture is
she keeps talking about how we could just had a wine and talk about what's new or talking about beautiful things
but then she can't take it anymore so i she wanted to go to a coffee shop afterwards which i did

i see discomfort and disappointment drawn on her face
she looked like a cracked dam that just need a plunge of force to the crack and be pouring
she started will "Well, ..."
and she continue with complaints after complains of the unfortunate

The thing is, it's about how people remember, memorize you, keep you in mind
you don't have to be perfect to cause a change to someone's life
you don't have to be that formal to be attached to someone's thought

a weird lyrics that make you feel funny because they seem been forced to be there
a weird note on a song
how bad a band is
and how perfect you make a song

Do all the things that you feel like you need to do
Is makes you what you are, and the way is to show them what are you made of
show them how epic the theatre of your mind
i believe you'll do so

Sincerely, me

Monday, July 25, 2011

Beads down the stream of eye

It's excruciating how i see your pics and you remind me of every single piece of myself
i can see my face in your face
and how people say we look identical

how the kisses was just memories
and caress might just pass by
secrets and lies
complains and argues

How the hugs occurs for a moment
and taken away by the time itself
bed time talks
good mornings on my eyes
morning meal together

Trips and plans
butterfly and kite
that house
on a hill
and peaceful..
might be realized

whoever it is
So long..

Friday, May 20, 2011

Smithsonian Red Flags for One White Turkey Bottle

I don't have any interest into fashion and not having the extra money to
i think what looks good is when i saw the mirror and everything looks safely collided
i like to use jeans the heavily ripped one and repaired skinny jeans that comfier after i'm joining gym
i thought i've passed just fine but i didn't i failed in one of my subject

I thought i've given all i got but i didn't
all this time i didn't do it for myself, i'm doing it for somebody else
that's where i think there's a weight obliged to me

Sometimes i wonder to myself why can't i get a good score, doing just fine at school, and get semester fee discount. I have no fucking idea as i grumbled like oil on water
why can't i be more how much effort that i should put into till i'd be just fine
i remember that time i'm looking towards my lecturer his voice filling the room he mentioned about integrals and differentials, but the voices in my head were louder

I can't help my mouth saying random things to my neighbor just a chit chat and chuckles, one chuckles and i realize my smile curve has straighten up as i heard the voices from my lecture going towards me and hand me a black Snowman marker he said

"Solve the third problem"

i nodded i asked the person in my back to quick taught me on that number. As he explained i catch just a stutter of what he mean, what it suppose to understand and i hate myself more. But then i doesn't last long, i manage understanding that more and go to the board wrote it up.

Expert said "People will be happier if they put their effort towards easy things that they like, that made studying even more fun because they put no effort on liking it, but concentrate on making it better" kinda make me rethink about possibilities. I always like to fix things i like to make things better

I do thought about being a music producer but i was wrong. I do think that music is my passion but it sometimes can't beat the feeling of owning something new, some toys, new present, new car, new earrings, new bag, new bike, new mobile phone, new technology.

I paddle the chair mated with cycle cardio exercise tool, i read my eBooks. TVs and other almost 20 to 30 same thing surrounds me, the TVs showing news MTV and other informative channel. I saw a girl behind me and i wonder what does she think when she ran, does she thinking the same thing as me like manage breathing, add more speed or thinking about the show that Star World showing “Don't Stop Believing" and never ending choir singing in my head every time i saw that title. But i know what i will do, i always know it will happen. If my friend said "Don't worry to dream big because God heard" i'd better say "Don't worry to dream big, because when you dream, your every action leads you toward that dream" hmm fair enough.

I know that someday there will be an Electronic Device company that delivers the originality, characteristic, that will represent it own brand. Like when i said Sony you will know how Sony's electronic devices shaped. It's obvious like my mom knows the difference between Hermes bag and YSL. They both bag but there must be a characteristic at each bag. I know that the multinational company will grow and will be big. Mostly i want it to represent Indonesia. It will be a challenge at that day to grow a product that fulfill the nationwide need of electronic appliances and yet still have it's own superb quality. Damn sick!

I know someday i will laugh about this writing, but someday i will know that this is the start of big things that will happen. Please smile, and enjoy your time. Remember to sip some tea, and enjoy the quality of your morning pancake

Sincerely, younger you